Somehow I remembered a line in Jack Johnsons' song: Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Stubborn moi

Finally, I watched the movie Persepolis. A couple lines are pretty funny: I survived the war but the failure in love took everything away. Fear lulls our minds to sleep.

My academic knowledge had grown very fast in my school years so I assumed my maturity and minds did the same. Now, I realized my learning capacity is as limited as everybody else's. I was just foolishly devoted that capacity to some science subjects.

It was not till a few years ago that I started to know how to voice an opinion and what my world view, value are. As much as I want to say not to take my life too seriously (like, right after getting a pay raise, the #1 thing I could think of is to go to f21 for shopping. Cheap woman!), there are strong values and views I do hold.

However, it did not mean mine are right and non-my views are wrong. I hope I can get to a place to let my opinions to cross over without getting into a place to negative the other sides. Still, I am not quite good at that. That is why I come across as a stubborn person.

Two

Today, a man told me I am lovely but he does not know my heart is not available.

I know two cities in this world that can be recognized by music: Paris and Shanghai

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to...



A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

something perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...



A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she's content to leave behind....



A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....



A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...



A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...



A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...



A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored...



A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a feeling of control over her destiny...



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without;

ruining the friendship...


EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...



EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...




Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections

Anger

Here I am, to face the cause of my anger.

One seed of anger comes from that I want to stay single for a bit instead of rushing into anything new. What had happened was a huge deal for me, it weakened my physical being as well as my emotional being. I want to take my time off to figure out me and what happened. I know it is said you will never be able to rationalize about what happened. Nevertheless, I still think staying single for a bit is the wise decision to make...

Having rambled these much, nothing has yet touched the anger part. Here it is. I am angry because he jumped right back into his dating life right away. In a way, I see it as an unrespectful act towards me. My translation is that our relationship does not mean much to him. It is like going to one store, he could not strike a deal there, then closed the door, soon knocked on the next door. There is such a contrast to what I have been enduring. Again, basically, I could not accept the face he does not love me and care about me at all. I still remember his whisper into my right ear: I love you.

The second anger is that he still does not know what he wants. And that is the reason why he wondered from one relationship to another. I am angry because I did not know what about him attracted me at the first place with this hypothesis.

Either way, those are my angers. Maybe they are just another forms of disappointment.

I've struck a few deals with myself.

Deal #1: Every one minute that I think about the happy times between me and him, I shall spend the next two minutes in thinking about the happy times without him.

Deal #2: Every one minute spent on anger or sad, I shall spend two minutes in thinking about other happy things: flowers, plays, dresses, make-up, just those simple mundane things.

Deal #3: Continue to live my life without his existence.

tuesday moring

Last night, I stayed awake from 2:30 am to 5ish. Absolutely no reasons I shall be doing that: it was a Monday night, which means I have to go to work the next morning; i was not sad because of the relationship, because I watched my mind drifting from one random thing to another; i did not have any bills due or presentation due, hence I shall not dread about any of those and it is not like I dread about those errands usually either.

Interestingly, I woke up with ligh spirits. How could this be? I had only a few hours of sleep. I decided to treat myself with a half day off.

Sliding the curtain, then found it is a rainy day today. It did not cast any gloomy feeling on my heart. Instead, I found the view from the widow becomes much chic and romantic. Rain drops splashed onto my window and formed some crystal-like beaded curtain. On my newly acquired retro french table, sun flowers and some unknown garden blossoms dabbed some bright yellow color on the smuged watercolor painting like street scene. I know the tiny purple silky flower called Wang You Cao in Chinese. THe literate translation is No Worries Grass. Interesting. ANd it is the first time I know pine trees can also have flowers. 5 petals, pea size, dark pink/purple. It is amazing. I guess any strong masculine figures always have their soft side. Pine trees with 5-petals purple flower. Perfect combination.

I am sitting here, sipping decaf coffee from a cup saying stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserve it(am i that jerk), tasting the dollar green tea cake from a spanish serving plate.

Life could not be better than taking my time in a work day morning to write about these mundane things. I felt I found the pleasure of sneaking in and walking on the pebble stone path in a street-sdie garden while the path is not supposed to be a road leading anywhere.

- Go for help!
- Make your recorvery the first priority in your life!
- Find a support group of peers who understand
- Develop your spirituality side through daily practice
- Stop managing and controlling others
- Learn to not get "hooked" into the games
- Couregeously face your own problems and short-comings
- Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself
- Become "selfish"
- Share with others what you have experienced and learned

He does not know how to define maturity till he experienced a lot of occastions in life. He learned how to control when he feels the urge to let out the feelings. Before, he was not like that. All he wanted to do is to destory, everything including himself. Now, he understands the urge is a monster. Even he wants to let out the emotions, he has to look at the big picture.

Curse

I wish I have the opportunity to throw his behavior to his face. He shall see what kind of person he really is. Why do I help him to see through who he is? He will always be that hairy, sneaky, emotional, untrustworthy, aimless human being.

Broken promises

I realized there are so many promises that will never become true in my life. The brunch place in Toronto that I will never get to know where it is at, the glamorous french chateau I will never get to visit, the trip to up North I will never learn how cold it will be, the Paneer dish that I will never taste again...

Apparently, it is such a big deal for me. Maybe that is the reason why I am not good with giving out promises. If I do, I am obligated to put in my heart to make it happen. Nevertheless, most of people are not like me. He gives out promises as blowing bubbles or throwing feather in the air. Bubbles, feather, right, that is how heavy those promises are for him.

Like my parents said, leave him, leave him to other girls, leave his feather-like promises, bubble-filled promises to other girls. My life should be more real, should be closer to the ground.

Lines

Suddenly, I see the two fine lines undreneath my eyes are somewhat "permanant". No wonder they love to live on my face, I almost drop some tears everyday without proper sleep. I am welcoming the wrinkles by all what I am doing.

I have to treat myself nicer. smile, good mood, no to be bothered by the past, not to be bothered by things that are irrelevant to my life. Focus on me, me, me.

when will the spring come?

My weather forecast shows a week with drizzles. At least, it is better than the freezing rains in the last 2 months, right? Winter is here, it won't be soon I shall see the spring.

two

I find the commute from the metro station back home is my weakest time of the day. I was sitting in the train, and thoughts brought me back to a year ago. It is like I could see him and me sitting across the aisle from me, hugging, talking to each other with occasional laughter. Happy and so into each other. Tears dropped on handbag of the real me.

Seriously, I should carpool with Ran and his roomates to come home more often. At least, they make me laugh.

I remember when I was in the middle school, my father took me out for a walk in the afternoon of the chinese new year's eve. Most of time, he talked about family history, my grandma, and how he grew up. There was once he told me that even I look tiny, I shall never let others to look down on me. People will get to know you by your acts eventually. The words you can put up can only last temporarily.

Ever since then, I ask myself if I have done less than I claimed. I am afraid that people who know me by my acts later get disappointed. After seeing so much of talking in the air around me, I am glad that I have more to offer than what I said I can. Of course, soon I will ask myself the same question again.

From a poor family's daughter to today's me.

He is probably pleasing some other girls now. quick and active.

Why cannot I move forward with my life? Emily told me it takes time, time, time, which is in proportion to how much devotion and love into the past.

I am telling myself to take my time to make myself feeling better. It is the time I should indulge myself, try anything I want to do that I did not get a chance to do, sleep a lot, go to museums, concerts, watch any shows that interest me, buy myself flowers...

Last night I could not sleep. Somehow I remembered that freezing December of 2007. What happened? Why? No answers. I was swallowed by the darkness and the strangeness in the hotel room. My head was spinning. I felt I was re-living those moments. Pain! Sad! Tears!

Yesterday, a person whom I barely got to know for 30 minutes, threw a serie of bomb questions on me, "why do I not have a boyfriend"? -- recently broke up; "whose fault is it?" --%&*(*&*()%&* my lips are moving but I do not know if I want to prounounce a word starting with M or H. I looked away, trying my best to suppress the formation of eye liquids, gaining control over my facial muscule. In the end, I mustered all my courage and firmly uttered a few words, just like in the movies, "he moved away and long distance is hard"...

Remember that episode of Sex and The City, in which Carry went to cali and met Matthew Mcconaughey for a movie script? He asked whose problem it is. She was like she traveled from the east to the west just for him to ask her that question!!!

Happy New Year!

I have pretty much decided on the piano keyboard I'd like to buy. Will wait for another week or so. If no better deals show up, will just get this one: Yamaha digital piano

Just made an offer of $600. Will see how it works out.

Things are getting slightly out of hand now. My head is heavy. The past just crept back to me more often than usual. I hope all of these are going to be temperary. Anger, sadness, being cheated, being fooled, being betrayed. One day, eventually, they will all go away. They are just temperary illusions.


--- 10:03 AM

It seems the morning emotional wave just passed. Things around me appear to be 80% normal now. I wrestled the thoughts of calling or emailing someone. The other half of me insists that I will go through. Let me try this self dealing approach first and how things work out that way.

--- 10:41 AM

I am so pissed off.

I was simply worried after seeing the worst is over. I wondered what happened to him.

I shall mind more about what happen to myself.

My head is crowded as usual. Could not stay calm for one second. Keep on telling myself this condition will end soon and very soon. Tried my best to fill up my calendar with activities. Hoping in a way I can be keep away from the pain.